The choice (monster or friend)
by Immortal-sassy-ward-shipper
Summary: I died and was reborn as something that was not human. Now that monster would be sated by tearing them apart (This was written Pre 2x09 so not canon compliant after that) May end up in fitzward. may be skyeward.
1. Chapter 1

Today was the day when I knew I had to make a choice. No, not a choice but the choice; the choice that would define the rest of my life. Should I take that outstretched hand offering a way out of this churning abyss that was my life or should I refuse and continue to keep my grudge against those who had wronged me.

First there was a doctor, well he claimed he was a doctor but I had always doubted him having a real medical degree. The man was in no way sane but at the same time he had never been insane, he had a balance of sorts which at the least made him rational if a mine field in the dark. I had been rather sure that he purposefully left his thinly greying hair to stick up in every direction just to give the impression of a mad scientist. Of course his hair wasn't greying from age, he was an ageless man after all, no instead the stress of losing everything made just a little human.

The doctors crimes against me were both direct and indirect but still unforgivable to me.

Then there was the real insane one, a man who was much older than he seemed and a mind that was far too curious for his own good. Whitehall was ruthless; his pursuit of immortality and power through science had sent him a little insane, enough to torture people for joy. He had long ago found a way to turn his body clock back and now he merely wanted power.

Whitehall had committed crimes against the whole world, never mind me, but after what he did to me I would be fighting to be at the front of the line filled with people wanting to end the life of the monster in human form.

These were not the only two that had wronged me over the years of course, so many had but now these were the two I loathed the most. Both men had made me into something else, taught me that the thought I was a monster before was merely a joke compared to now. Now I knew what real monsters were, I was one of them now after all.

The choice was already made of course. Oh, how I wanted to go back to those I once called friends in peace but how could I when I still had my own demons to slay?

They wanted me to return and join them and for us all to try and make amends after the months they put me in a cage and after I had hurt them. It was more than I ever hoped for, them to extend the hand of friendship after I left an olive branch and once I would have jumped for it but that was before my life had been changed.

I had my demons to slay and control to master before I could so much as face them, I was now a real monster and not the monster under the bed they had thought me in comparison. At one time my worst fear had been losing the one I had viewed as family and it had happened, then it had been allowing Skye to be hurt which again happened which made me rather cautious to risk it.

Killing the doctor and Hall may widen the gap between myself and them, maybe cause them to sink back into hating me and believing me unable of change and personal growth however it would also keep them safe from the two homicidal geniuses.

I could only hope Skye would not forever despise me for killing the doctor but despite the fact they were flesh and blood, they did not know each other and she did not wish to. Maybe if I explained it would all be ok? I doubted it; the universe was rarely so kind to me proven through the hell of the last couple of weeks.

When I had walked into the lion's den willingly as a wolf I had not been prepared for what would come to pass. I was there for a mission but evidently the two had made other plans. It was a constant question on my mind, how did they spot my abnormality when I never? Had they suspected it since I first ventured onto their radar as a child?

I knew I would never receive the answer to my questions and the answers would not change anything. They had still forced me to hold the artefact which had tortured me, poured the acid of change down my throat and restrained me while I died and was reborn as something that was not human. Now that monster would be sated by tearing them apart


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** this is a sort of filler on what has happened, no clear definition on what he can do. if you have any ideas for powers suited to ward, say in review.

When ward went back into hydra he had a very clear action plan, he had gone over it more times than he liked to count just to find a flaw. He would go in and kill Whitehall, or capture him and leave him for shield but that was best case scenario.

He hadn't thought Skye's father would be there but it was easily factored into the equation, now Skye could meet him without her safety at risk.

He hadn't counted on the two having their own plans for him, hadn't even thought they would consider him a threat or worth extra attention but that was the 2nd thing that had gone wrong with the plan.

He had dismissed the looks they gave him as nothing on the rare times he managed to catch them, those looks made his skin crawl. He was vaguely reminded by the looks Fitzsimons had when faced with something new to explore but these were more ruthless and cruel.

He supposes, now, looking back he had been a bit abnormal, he picked things up with ease and healed a little too fast to be normal. Strange things had happened around him that couldn't be explained and he always dismissed it.

He hadn't expected them to take an interest in him or notice anything about him besides his skills. Obviously he was wrong; maybe hydra had noticed years ago but couldn't get him out from under John. He could only speculate of course.

The day his whole life ended, it had been a mere opening act to his life really beginning. He sees that now and resents it.

His time in the basement had left him vulnerable to attack from his lack of knowledge. He hadn't known what the diviner was or what it could do. Whitehall had told him to hold it and the doctor had been watching eagerly. He almost did but he recognised the writing, the very same john had been carving.

The two hadn't seemed surprised when it began to light up and glow, it seemed to call to him and something inside of him was drawn to it. They'd grown inpatient and annoyed at his refusal to do as they said, took it into their own hands. They had forced him to hold it and even now after all these times he can still feel the weight of it in his hand.

The second he had taken it in hand his life had ended, he had been unable to let go as he fell and changed, the two men discussing calmly how they had been right all along. He had felt as if he were in a pool of acid, that same acid pouring down his throat silencing his cries.

He had thought that his bones broke, organs failed, vessels ruptured. Then his bones had knitted back together stronger, his organs restarted differently and he found a world that was much more clear than the dullness of before.

He thought he was still dead for a moment before he realised that he was no longer human. the shadows had their own forms now and the cold had fled into his bones, it was clear he had been restrained but before his eyes the marks left healed into smooth skin. Well almost smooth, the scars he left himself would never fade.

The doctor had been there, waiting calmly and patiently for the results of his work. He even tried to explain how he hadn't wanted to do it, how Whitehall had set his mind on finding out what made him different some time ago, how it was for the best really, how it was only a matter of time, how living a half human life had brought him here.

His words only infuriated him; to the point he almost lost control. They tried to cage him like the monster he now was, he had heard the word inhuman, but you can't really cage a monster. He escaped silently and made his way to a safe house.

He had to change safe houses twice within the week, he's on his 6th right now and it's been weeks.

One safe house had been known by shield, been on the documents and they tried to take it while he was there. He ran far before they could see what he was now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: **Thought I'd try 1st person. Well actually I was supposed to be revising for an English exam hahaha. I had to disguise it as work and in the exam we have to write a story in under 35 minutes. so tada.

I couldn't believe it had happened again! I had been so careful to stay calm and hidden and yet I once again lost control, rage still bubbled under my boiling hot skin. I had escaped, I had gotten away from those scientists who enjoyed playing people then cutting them up to find out how they work.

The event is still blurry in my mind which is what told me it had been worse than usual…maybe an effect of not letting the rage out for so long? I had burned them, my attackers, from the inside and out, frozen them and broken their frail human bodies without laying a finger on them until ashes and broken bodies were all that were left…except the familiar figures that had gaped at me in pure horror and disgust.

I knew then, I just knew, that they would take back their offer and try and kill or contain me instead. How could they not? I was a special kind of monster, worse than the monster I was before because now I wasn't even human anymore. I would probably mourn the life I lost if it had been worth anything but it hadn't, instead I mourn the opportunity and future I lost when someone else traded my life in for this.

I suddenly slam my fist into the wall, anger overtaking me again and setting me back. If this was all it took for me to lose my control then I was better off dead instead of alive to hurt everyone around me. There's a loud bang and it's not my fist against the wall, it's the light exploding as to rain glass down on me.

The sting of the cuts bring me back to clarity, snapping me out of my angered daze. I slowly trudge to the bathroom, shadows seeming to be following me as if seeking orders from their master…me.

The person I see in the mirror is not me, I can't face him as me. His dark hair is hanging in his eyes, eyes that shine amber in the light and yet burn as if liquid silver when angered. There's thin cuts and pieces of glass all over his face, all angled differently and leaving a trickle of blood yet the unobstructed cuts are closing as I watch. He's too pale but maybe that's just not getting out in the sun as much as I-no, no! Not me. That was not me. It was him.

I want to believe that, god I want it to be true. I want to believe that the man, the monster, looking back at me is someone else. To believe im not looking in a mirror but it's a lie, just like everything is always a lie.

I force my hand up to start removing the glass, slowly but surely, until the only evidence left was the blood clinging to my skin. Hissing voices fill the apartment, drowning me in the shouts and rage and dark thoughts that were not my own. It always flared up suddenly when there was a threat, in the old days I would have grabbed a gun but now? Now I merely dart around the door and focus on my breathing.

There's someone on the other side of that door, someone to capture or kill me. Maybe it will be a good day, maybe it won't be either and instead be someone here to offer something good. I doubt it, the universe wasn't known to be kind to people like me, monsters hiding behind human skin.

I link my hands behind my back, trying to remain still and calm but ready as I wait for that lock to be forced open, or maybe they conned the nice landlady into opening it for them. I had been sloppy, I hadn't hidden my tracks in my struggle for control and that had led to this. Being found when all I wanted was to be left alone and never see any of them again.

That had been my choice. I would isolate myself, hide for the rest of my…whatever this was. I would be far away from the team, never having to face their disgust or harm them again. I wouldn't go looking for HYDRA but if they found me I wouldn't necessarily be peaceful.

Instead of the rude entrance I expected…there's a knock on the door. A light _tap, tap, tap _fills the silence but I can't focus on it being polite. I can't take my focus away from the task at hand.

The lock slides open with a key "there you go dears, just go in. When I hear him get in I'll let him know he has company. He's a Sweet boy really, awfully isolated" I hear my landlady and hear her walk away. I hadn't had it in me to be rude to the elderly woman for no reason other than being reminded of my gramsy every time I looked at her, so I ran to the shops from her and had done some odd jobs. It was awfully calming really.

The door creaks as it swings open and im face to face with…Trip. Oh.

I take a large step back seeing Skye behind him, checking for exits. I can't find words, the right words that I need to say and won't lead to another episode.

"Yeah, it's the right place. We've found him" trip says into the comms "leave" the word falls from my lips softly and they look surprised.

Skye steps in and closes the door behind her "why didn't you answer the door?" she asks, ignoring me, and I scoff "Oh, I don't know. Let's look what happened less than an hour ago" I really don't care what they think of the place. It's not the best out there but it's decent and sufficient for my needs.

I swallow thickly seeing the look in their eyes, sure it has to be disgust. "So…what's it going to be? Bullet or back to the vault?" I ask, i would prefer the bullet. The monster wouldn't. They don't say anything, bullet it is then.

"Be quick about it. I can give you a few minutes. Do it back of the head, angle it up. Should have the best possibility of working but I can't guarantee it" I advise them, turning slowly with my hands up in surrender.

I hear sharp draws of breath behind me and then the world is dark.


	4. Chapter 4

Note- Fuck, fuck fuckity fuck. Only just realised that the posting fucked up. Twice.

It had been a week of stalking shadows, wishing not to show my face where I could be seen. Never mind the fact I was on a mission to kill but the life I had led had installed enough caution about what happened to people like me to be extra careful.

Of course I know that there isn't really some area 51 where they dissect you but I also thought I was just another human and look where that got me, being cautious was my safest bet nowadays. The stories I had heard on top of that…

I had tracked the mad men here, a small business district and a smart move on their part to hide. The building is rather unremarkable in all honesty yet, somehow, still able to strike fear into ones heart. Except mine, of course, it was far too late for me.

I doubt they will be expecting me, how could they unless they were omniscient now as well and yet they had always been a step ahead of me. After everything I honestly wouldn't be surprised any more.

Even if they do apprehend me as soon as I step in it wouldn't harm me or my plan beyond repair, they would take me straight to Hall, and hopefully The Doctor, where I could enact revenge against them. My footsteps are quiet on the concrete and yet I hear the sound of a nail being hammered in with each "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." The famous Confucius quote runs through my mind for what feels like the hundredth time, I'm no fool, I know there is a very real chance I will die today, the third body bag and grave to be dug.

The second the door opens I can smell it, I can smell copper and death and fear. I hadn't been able to see through the little and dark misty glass from outside but the building, well its front at least, is a ghost town, or a brand new cemetery. I resist the urge to empty what little there is in my stomach at the sight of the dead, some mercifully killed with a bullet and some in ways I cannot describe even as burned onto my brain as it already is.

Instead I march purposefully past the horror show on display straight to the, thankfully empty, elevator. It is small mercy that there is no elevator music, it really would have been HYDRA trying too hard.

The doors open unbearably slowly and I have to resist finishing the process myself, not long ago I would have but with time comes control. The hallway is almost the exact same as last time, a different building and a different me but same plain white walls and empty halls.

The sound of voices capture my attention and without even having to think I find myself heading towards it.

The pit of my stomach is heavy with a quiet terror as I wrap my hand around the handle, sparks flying quite literally and I throw it open. My heart stops and my throat tightens chocking back words as I take in the sight of…the sight of the team, there on the floor-no, the ocean of blood.

All of them and I find myself stumbling over except my hands are covered in blood too…no, this isn't what happened. I know it isn't, it can't be what happened-they're alive- I didn't actually-it was only HYDRA agents who died-I didn't-I couldn't have…"Ward?" I feel myself slipping again, slipping away into the cold "Ward? Ward, you're…I need them now…everyone out!"

My eyes snap open to harsh white light and for a moment im sure Im sure that im just regaining control from something even worse before the bite of metal restraints hits me. The S.H.I.E.L.D logo is plastered on the wall and I just know someone is waiting in the room.

I let my head fall back for a minute, they've drugged me, "What am I doing here" I can't even find it in me to look who it is, whatever they had pumped me full off was strong.

"The med wing currently. Private room. Trip and Skye decided an Icer was the best plan of action once you directed them to kill you. The restraints weren't originally metal but something caused you to almost set fire to one of the doctors, they seemed like the best idea" Is it bad I really want to groan? Would it be too rude? Then again, last time Coulson and I talked wasn't so pleasant "Now I think that we need to talk about what is going on, Ward."

Notes:

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